Lionofdemise

So everytime I start writing in these journals. I always mention, "OMG IT BEEN SO LONG?!" "Eh i'm still alive sadly..." and my favorite, "Where those anime hoes at?". Okay the last part not as much. 

I'll make this quick about my life. 

I do have a job. I work in a middle school, cafeteria worker, cashier for the concession stand. I don't mind kids, I like some of them. But my fucking god can some of them be punks, delinquents, but overall pleasant. Started a few weeks ago and I'm not planning on leaving right away. 

So if you guys are actually paying attention. I been drawing for a few months now. I thought for a while back I would suddenly just stopped. I sort of had for a minute there. I made sure to download the Deviant Art app. It's okay. I don't like taking pictures of my drawing on my phone. Even thou it might be a longer process, I do enjoy scanning them and putting them on my phone so i can upload them faster. Plus they will look better in quality. 

I also realized I didn't really put any of my Acen pictures up. I didn't go to Anime Midwest due to money issues. Well looking back, I did upload some of them. But I don't know. There wasn't a lot of me taking. Plus I was using my phone which isn't a great quality camera. I sadly lost my camera nearly a year ago so I'm still sad about that. FUCK YOU CHICAGO! 

So for my drawings. I keep looking back to some of my older, disgusting drawings I did years ago. I BEEN ON DEVIANT ART FOR FUCKING 11 YEARS?! What the hell have I done? I barely improved in the past few years. I blame myself for not being devoted to the arts. It's always surprising how much I actually like going to the arts. Hell every year for my birthday I try to go to the Art Museum in Chicago. So I can remind myself, I belong there. I feel refresh and emotionally connected to every piece of art there. Plus it's just a beautiful scenery as well. The lake is only like a click away. 

So in a matter of days, I'm gonna be 30. That's a surreal thought. Process to think over. I'm going to be thirty. WHAT THE HELL?! 

So my thought process is all over the place. But this journal does have a purpose. It's my ideas for drawing. WHAT AM I GOING TO DRAW NEXT?! I mention i looked back some of my older drawings. Maybe I should start, redoing my ideas. I did a lot of DOA drawings back in the day. What if I try to redraw the ideas i did, but modern. Meaning I understand body proportions betta, I understand how my drawings work, and how I can use them. I still want to make new content. It's just me figuring out how I'm picturing it. That way when I actually want to draw, I will know how to frame that picture to paper. Many of my next content could continue my Video Game Ending Scenes. Some of them I been adding are not actually ending scenes. I may do more of that. At the same time I still want to continue my ending scenes. A lot of video games I enlisted are for now, mostly Nintendo games. There are still plenty of single character I still want to draw. One of them which I'm actually scared of doing is Bayonetta. I don't know how to do her, and i'm scared shitless of drawing someone so beautiful. One day I'll find that pose and the perfect reference images of her. 

I think I...spoke enough. Time for me to draw some DOA Bitches again. 

It been a long time since i done anything here on deviant art. The main reason I haven't done anything, because mostly work took all my energy. So long story short I don't have a job anymore. That has lighten my load and gave me the energy and inspiration to draw again. Since the last thing I uploaded was a Princess Peach drawing I only done at least 3 or 4 more drawings. But ever since I've been fired I've been on fire, making a lot of drawing and I'm not done yet. The only thing that's slowing me down as far is my arthritis that will hurt if I did 3 quick drawing or one hell of intense drawing. I don't know when, but I will upload all the drawings I've been doing in the past few days. I'm still doing some of my video games scenes drawing and there was one I really like particular. So if you guys still remember me, lionofdemise, i still got it.

P.s. I haven't got a chance either but I have a load Acen pictures I need to upload it. I do not think I'm going to be able to make it to Anime Midwest...

I'm alive but i don't got time to write a massive journal this time around. If you seen clearly i posted a bunch of pictures from Anime Central and Anime Midwest. Am i gonna draw? Soon? I don't know anymore. I actually had a slow day today and that is why i decided to upload my pictures. 

In another words people, STOP READING THESE. I got a headache and no need for you to get it too.

Fuck

I honestly don't remember the last time I done a Journal. I know I did a tiny journal that basically saying I'm still here. So it been like a full two years since I posted a journal. Then submitting artwork...that's something I'm really embarrassed about. I took a lot of pictures in the past few years. I also been trying to draw as well. So before I do anything. I should really start from the start. Also don't bother trying to understand what I'm saying. My communication skills has surely gotten worst. 

WORK RELATED NEWS --
So the last time we talked, I was working at Garden Fresh Market. Well that closed down around June. So i was unemployed almost for a year. Then around March of 2013 I started working in a laboratory, a drug testing laboratory. Technically I'm still a grunt. Instead of pushing carts I'm now cutting specimens all day and everyday. But the magical thing about that place, I was able to get a full time position within a matter of months. Even after working there for over a year now, I still get that angst of me being trusted at all. Every now and then, I just hate thinking. I just hate thinking, am I worth being here? Why give me a full time position when in reality and from experience, I'm a horrible leader. I have two co workers, Flavius and Raul. They have been there for me, more than anyone really should. They give me a lot of shit about the faults i have. I realized my laziness growing up has made me into a terrible speaker. I knew i have a shitty memory too, but I just never realized how all of the stuff i ignored growing up has affect my life now. That makes me feel such a scumbag about it too. That why i welcome their...i want to say harshness. I fully deserve it. This just made me realize how much I can hate my life. Not because people made it hard for me, it's because I made it harder for myself. And I physically and mentally can't get out of it. Every now and then I'll be working and reliving every single mistake I have ever taken. I could think of something back when I was in the 5th grade, to my problems with Angelica, then a simple fuck up i done at work. The only good thing about this...constant reminder of my failure. I try to make it motivate myself to do better. Because...because i won't be doing this forever. Go big or go home. And i refuse...to go back home.

Mi Casa --
Things hasn't gotten better here. I'm still living at home. This time around, my sister's ex gf is no longer living with us. Neither is Wadi. I didn't care much about Darlene. In fact I actually really fucking dislike her. As for Wadi, he owes me money. Money isn't a joking matter, so i take it very seriously. I still care about him, I want him safe, but in the long run it's a one sided friendship. I always felt he was like a leech to me. Sucking in everything about me. And i felt like i had to protect him for some ungodly reason. And in the process of him doing this, i just stopped caring. Mostly about my health. At first when I had Wadi living with me, i thought I would be able to maintain my health. What really happened was the opposite. I gained a lot of weight back, i just stopped trying to be healthy, and it was the worst decision that i let happen. I know it isn't his fault. But I don't think i would've let it gotten this bad. I tried working out early in the year. I don't know what stopped me. I don't know why I do this. Everytime I think, oh this person needs me in their life. Yeah maybe for grunt work or be a clown for them. I think i'm just setting an example for my nephews. Do not follow in my bad habits. They were my reason to be here, but now, I don't even know. My mother isn't doing well either. And I can't handle the thought of her being sick, unhealthy. The chance that everything wrong with her is genetics. She acts like she has Parkinson Disease, but it's not Parkinson thou. The doctors don't even know what is wrong with her. And it breaks my heart seeing my mother, the greatest person alive, is dying. And what is killing her, there's a 50% chance it's in me too. And it just makes me think even more. Why are there so much odds against me. Why is everyday a fucking struggle to get out of bed, make sure everyone is smiling or laughing. Sure people say you got to focus on myself first, but i just can't do it. This house is falling apart. And I don't know if i'm ready to be the reason why or see a reason why it's happening. I would love to let Alex know this, but I don't have the heart to tell him. Especially when he is getting ready to start a better life. 

Mind-Fuck Collective --
So a while back, Alex realized we should have a name for ourselves. The sick and perverted and racist people are. I don't even know how, but we all agreed we're pretty much mind fucked. So the MFC was created. Alex, Ricky, Mitch and myself. Then obviously there was added on such as Paulina, Grace, Eli, Tommy, Kay, Kristin, and Danny. The point of the MFC is...equality. Can't see, no one cares, sing with all your heart. You're hungry? Fine fatty, we got food for you. Stories, laughing, crying. competitive. It's all perfectly natural. The point is, we will not judge you in any way. That was something...Will or Wadi couldn't understand. Will judged, wadi couldn't open up. There is not a lot i can say for everyone. Ricky is finally doing great in his life. Eventually he needs to find that perfect girl for him. Instead of being patient about it, he needs to kick that door open to find her. I want him to find her. Then Mitch is a beautiful son of a bitch, he just to allow himself to be happy. Not force himself to be comfortable. Then there's...of course Alex. Alex is getting married to Paulina. She's a beautiful woman, probably but I'm just not attracted to her. They are perfect for each other. They way they talk, love, react to each other. Their love has them changed them into a better people, especially Alex. I'm not jealous that he is in love. It just gets too much seeing their PDA. That why i been slightly avoiding Alex. Not on purpose, it just happens. I'm glad he is in love, but i'm so much in the opposite direction. What the hell is even the opposite of not finding love?

Crazy thing they call love...
No. I'm not seeing anyone. The only success I had so far, beside getting laid at a convention. I was able to get Angelica's forgiveness. But it came in a price, she doesn't remember why we fought. I am happy she doesn't remember. I don't want her to remember why i made her cry. I don't want her to remember what we had. I want her to forget that we could've been married by now. But the only thing I been right so far, she is too perfect for me. Even if we were together, there's no way for the rest of my life I could've been proven how good of a decision I was for her. I did it for her, and I'm pleased that she no longer need this dead weight on her. I guess I must talk about Joanna huh. Her parents are old fashion type of people. Strongly believe in religion and only want the best for their daughter. And apparently the best has to be a Greek Orthodox, live down the street, with their permission. I thought i loved her, and i thought she loved me. It crashed hard on me seeing her being silent, while her parents are dumping me for her. I put so much faith into her, that it actually crippled me of emotions. How would I let this happen? Giving up on finding love, finding someone compatible with me, finding someone who will put up with me. I found my answer. More like, I was forced to accept this answer. No one. Everytime there's a small chance of me coming back and thinking there might be someone there for me. I just get a grim reminder of how that's not possible. It could've been by friends laughing, people making jokes about it, girls not wanting me to think they are giving that kind of impression to me. I tried asking a girl out, I'm gonna keep her name out. I didn't want her to think it was a date and i wasn't planning it to be a date, but I still wanted to hang. So i took it easy and asked, we should go somewhere. We should hang out. Let me know a weekend when you're free. She said, I don't know so much. I just stopped trying. I just fully accept there's no way a girl wants to look at me and think, yes. Typically it's oh god and really? I'm a short chubby mexican. That's the top 3 qualities girls don't want. Yet people are shocked...when they find out i'm not looking for love. There's really no demand for a guy like me and I just grown to accept that. There's only a few places where I fit in and even then, it's not that comforting. Or welcoming...

Acorn and Anime --
In the past two years, i been to Anime Central twice and Anime Midwest once. In the process, it been nothing but fun.
Anime Central 2013 - I manage to finish my cosplay of the Bee Mario. It took a lot of work and money and tears. I was still working on it when I went to the convention. I manage to wear the suit for only a few hours. It started ripping, paint was chipping, and I just couldn't...I just couldn't. It was dead. I was really disappointed with it at the end. Despite putting months in advance working on it, and still working on it the day of the convention. I was just really depressed how much effort I put and I just threw it away. The only thing that still lives is the helmet. That's the only thing I really love, the helmet. Otherwise I spent that convention as Cape Mario again. I didn't get a lot of pictures, but I really brought it home with my personality. I met a lot of good people during this convention and even met a lot of people off of facebook. The one person that I really enjoy of meeting is a Link Cosplay, Mike Rongo. That man is amazing. Otherwise the convention was really fun. John, who previously moved away to another state, came back and came to Acen. He had a lot of fun, so I'm glad i was able to do that. Show him the true Acen experience from my point of view, party, cosplay, and merchandise! 
Anime Central 2014 - So I was hoping to do Hammer Brother Mario. I was working on the shell. The hammer had a prototype, and things was going smoothly until one month before the convention. I think i just took a big realization and knew I wasn't going to finish in time. I wasn't going to allow rushing on cosplay again. I refused. So i put a giant big haul on doing the hammer brother suit. It could've been a great cosplay. So i brought my Mario Cape again. But this time around, I took Alex's advice. Do something different. I always had been a fan of the Penguin from the Batman Series. From Danny Devito, to the 60s, the animated series, even the new stuff. So I thought to myself, why not try cosplaying as the Penguin. This was a plan slightly over a year ago in the making. I didn't think I was actually going to do it. I went to Men's Warehouse to look at Tux's for Alex's wedding. I wanted to see the prices and how well they look. Then suddenly I saw a vest that looked very similar to the Penguin in the Arkham games. Near twenty dollars...Am I really doing this? What's the chance of me actually doing this...Sure I'll buy it just in case. Then I went to Walmart to see what else I can find. A bow tie? Sure, allonsy. Black pants...Sure i already have one. Might as well add one just in case. Then I saw it on Ebay. Three months before Acen...I saw a tailor made jacket of the Penguin from Arkham City. Fake fur and fake leather? I didn't give a shit. How much? Oh my lord. I did it. I brought it, gave them my measurements almost like 4 times. They honestly didn't believe in my short stature despite giving them pictures of me and comparing myself to Danny Devito. But the jacket came in and it was beautiful. I realized, I'm actually cosplaying as the Penguin. I have to do this. So i went and got a horrible top hat. Thank god for Perry and his top hat. Then i got a monocle, gloves, cigarette holder, white fluffy shirt...I became the Penguin. I research a month before Acen. I didn't think my Penguin Cosplay was going to be remotely decent. I didn't expect pictures, I didn't expect to be recognized. I was completely wrong. I actually met another Penguin cosplayer. He looked at me, he looked at himself and i think he went home. I just wished i gotten a photographer's advice while taking pictures as the Penguin. Plus a lot of my co workers gave me a lot of good point of views and tips. I didn't show i was wearing the monocle that well. They mention how i was standing and it just didn't seem penguin like. So i was fully prepare to do it again, but better!
Anime Midwest 2014 - So this was pretty much a split decision. Was I going to go or was I going to say fuck it and go home? I started off wearing my Penguin cosplay and immediately started dying from the heat. It was heavy, it was sweaty, and I was just exhausted. I took a decent amount of pictures. At least 100. With Acen i took like 300 pictures. Anime Midwest was surely a smaller con. It was perfect practice if anything. I worked with my poses and I gotten so much better results from it. I even decided to take a photoshop kind of picture. My sister, the professional photographer didn't like the background that much. But fuck, i really liked it. it just look completely right. While there, I looked at the guide book and found out that Team Four Star were gonna be there. I was too excited for them. They had two panels and two autograph signings. I went to both panels and only went to one of their autograph signing thou. While it was a smaller convention and not a lot of people. A few people were cosplaying too. It was so much fun. Especially when i was cosplaying as the Penguin. I would really love to travel to other conventions. I have a friend up north who would love it if I went to a con he goes too as Mario. John wants me to go to Sakuracon whenever the hell that is. I don't think I will a successful cosplayer. Hell I been drawing for years and I'm not really a successful artist. Fuck I knew I forgot something....

Starving Artist --
So it been a while since I uploaded...anything. I was trying to draw. I may actually have drawn things in a few sketch books I do have. I just don't know if my scanner is working or not. I know there's a drawing based on Luigi and Daisy's statue in the Mario Kart games. It was...from memory, pretty decent. I always wanted to draw, but a part of me gets too tired, lazy, or distracted. There were a lot of ideas i been dying to do. I want to continue with my Video Game ending theme. I also want to redo a few of my drawings I done. I want to be better, but there are times I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to try. Something just makes me feel it will get in the way and I shouldn't try. It's something i don't even understand myself. Then one day at work, I had a sudden inspiration to make quick sketches. They were all ideas i had in my head I eventually wanted to do. Video Game endings and sexy bitches drawings. I know eventually I will push myself to do it. I just also have to find a way to scan them. Also I need to submit SO MUCH PICTURES from the conventions. There's like maybe 60 sum pictures I need to submit. I have a folder for it. I just need to spend a good day to do it. FORCE MYSELF A GOOD DAY TO DO IT. Actually I had John yelled at me like 2 hours ago to make me do this Journal. I servery needed to do this like years ago. 

Off Topic --
The main reason I stopped doing all of it...I just didn't think a lot of people would read this. For fuck sakes, my grammar is like the worst thing since Justin Beaver. So my surprise when I notice there are people online and in real life knowing about my deviant art account. I just couldn't bare knowing people want to know my inner thoughts. Well not really my inner thoughts, it's more like my true self. I hate how doubtful I can be at times. For the past two hours as I been typing this, I'm just revealing everything that has been in my head for the past two years. You can't imagine how much that has taken toll on me. I hate how weak I feel thou. I miss the good, arrogant days. But those days can never come back, where I was happy and stupid. It look like I'm coming near the end of my journal. Who knows, maybe within the next week I will finally upload my pictures onto Deviant Art. I'm just not used to the fact that people want me around. That's just something I can't get used to. Especially people from work...How the fuck can they stand being next to me? Fuck I'm stuck with myself and I try my fucking best to get away. That's the thing about life huh, you can never know the future. Fuck that. I'm going to try to see the future. I just don't know...this is the part of my head where i'm like spiraling into depression. I shouldn't be depressed but I am. Here I am looking at my computer screen and I just know one day it can be over like donion rings. I just used a Game Grumps joke. I'm so fucking done.

Eventually I will get better. Eventually I will feel better. Eventually I will stop being stupid. I just don't even know where to start...

Until next time. I promise you journal. I won't let a year pass by again. And whose ever actually reading this. Go get a advil or something. Even this is too much for me. 

Maybe so but without a computer, it's going to be difficult to submit my artwork and update my journal...WHICH WAS OVER A FUCKING YEAR AGO.