¿'Donde estas un biblioteca? Lost Path 2 Knowledge

...Its been over a year...

Wow...A full year since I said anything. Who would've thought I would've waited this long. I'm sure in hell didn't I would wait this long. I don't even know why I waited so long either...

So as you notice...it been exactly 366 days since my last rant. A few months ago...People were asking when am I going to rant. When i going to bitch about stuff. And I'm thinking...That's is not what all I do...I used to rant just to get these annoying feeling out of my body for my benefit. Then I soon realize...People are reading my journal. Lives has been affected by what I am saying and how I am feeling. And I couldn't escape that train of thought yet. Plus I been going through a lot of shit in my life. Fuck I feel like a bi polar bi polar bear. Let see...I started this journal around 4:40 pm. So let see what actually happens until i'm finish...and maybe finally relieve of this monster we all know as Q.

So...a few months ago. Alex, Ricky, Tiffany, and several other people were wondering when am I going to put another rant. It kinda bothers me that people actually are reading this. I know I had affected people due to my rant like Will. Oh poor Will...I never realize my power. I turn that boy emo. I tried helping him for his benefit, but he got lost in his stubbornness.

People are getting lost a lot lately. Lost in their state of mind, body, and in this damn dirty world. Alex is a prime example...I mention in my last journal, that Alex is still the young boy I remember back in Middle school and that he's not growing up like everyone else around him. Well this year has surely changed his plans. Him and Tiffany finally broke up and he couldn't handle the pain and suffering. I actually feel bad for him. His support beams finally fell and he doesn't know how to react to it. It finally took his father to slap his mind back together. It doesn't help that Tiffany was also influenced by my behavior either. I guess since I helped with their relationship, I could be a major factor in ending their relationship. I don't know what he is going to do now. He's just so lost and he doesn't have that lash we all had on him. He enjoyed the freedom at first like a dog. But now...I see something so different and so wrong at the same time. I can't control him like I used too anymore. And no one should. That's just a crashing factor on his part that no one even notice. He is feeling that lonely and depression aura now and its torturing. I'm used to that feeling now, but he is a whole different being. I would like to protect him, but I know that very soon, I won't have the strength to watch him like I used too. And I think he is realizing this...or if he hasn't. He has now if he is reading this. I'm sorry for being weak and not as strong as i used to be back in high school. That power is gone and will be difficult to get it back.

Oh Sticks...Ricky. What can I say about you. You sure have grown up...But I think you're most lost than I believed. You work so hard, and you still get underestimate by everyone you know. They use you, but I do notice not as much as they used too. You sure have a lot of work on your shoulders. (Long Break) As usual...Me and Alex think you work too much. Alex still wants you to change for him. But I know that will be difficult even for you to have your mind straight on focus. All I really want is for you to be successful...but that's a long difficult road for us kids back from Special Ed. Overall my opinion about you barely changed. I don't know what I can do to help you. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Brief Notice: Apparently as I said. I turn Will Emo. He came to my house late August and trying to see if he could save our friendship. I told him all the problems there was. We gave him so many tries to change and be more open. He is still the silent guy back from Maine West. We all tried our best to help him and make him feel good. But it didn't work. I shouldn't get so much joy from this...but I do wish the best for him in the future.

Back onto the Rant: The Kamidogu...

Is no longer named the Kamidogu. It is called Mortal Kombat Blackout. I don't know why, because I'm no longer affiliated with them for almost a year now. Yup...I quit. I couldn't handle the pressure anymore. The staff didn't trust me, I worked my ass off, I wasn't getting appreciated for all the hard work and effort I put into the site and community and trying to make it better than it ever imagined. There's nothing I can do to fix it either...I made my grave and ever since then. I find myself having so much free time. And it annoys me. I spend so much time on Runescape...It wasn't as fun as much anymore. Because when I was on. None of my friends were on. And when they do finally get on...I already surpass my goals and my missions I put for myself. I do miss the Kamidogu. I miss the fun and friends I had. Now I'm literally the hermit I want to be. Separated from my friends and living on my own. They only come to me when it comes to advice. My friend, Omar or mostly known as Suz...He still talks to me. He is the only one basically online who talks to me. I appreciate that factor. But it's also odd too. I'm so used of being alone and that what I finally got. I can't believe I miss the Kamidogu. Or blackout whatever the fuck it is. I try to stop thinking so and try to remember all the bad things that happened to me at that site...But the fun override it. But here's the thing. Throughout my leave of the Kamidogu. I manage to keep Fuzzdork my permanent home. I wish more people would visit it more often. Its a good site. Not as restricted and actually more fun than other forums. I actually post my drawings there and enjoy myself. I don't know.

Yeah i still have my arthritis. It is still pretty annoying. I rarely take Aleve for it because i can tolerate the pain. But there times its like fire and needles. I try not to let people know how much it does bother me. I don't know what happened to my original wrap so I have to use like bandage wrap. Lol I actually said bondage wrap. God what am I thinking.

So I last this long without talking about Angelica. That's because I can't talk to her...There's something about her that just doesn't make me think straight. I don't know if its love or something. I still think about her every now and then. And I don't know why. I don’t' know her anymore. She doesn't know me anymore. Yet I can't stop this stupid thoughts of her. I thought I finally stopped these thoughts. But they just appear again. I know she doesn't need this...or deserve this. But I'm no used to her. And I think I finally prove that to her. Fuck...the only person I really talk to that is my ex is Leonna. Maybe I don't talk to her that much like I should. She's a good person.

I just don't know what it is about me I hate. I hate myself so much. There's so much problems about me I can't understand how people deal with me. I know everyone has flaws. That is easily understandable. But fuck...I can't stand myself most of the time. As you notice...I can be very negative. But the thing is...I may seem very negative. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. I don't even know what is deep inside that iceberg anymore.

So I been working my ass off at school. Not much progress. I don't know why. I think its finally hitting me. Working nearly four years at community college. I should've been done now. But no. I haven't. I hate it so much...I do know why I always slack off. I have no reason to continue or a purpose. Much of my success in school is a purpose. At first my purpose were for me...that didn't last long. My best purpose were friends. That is until I couldn't get friends in my class all the time...that was most difficult. I wasn't happy. When that finally changed...I realized my friends have different purposes and I let that affect me. My greatest purpose was girls of course. When i dated Angelica...she made me do the extra effort than i ever expected. Joanna...it was similar. Not the best example because she wasn't that great of a girlfriend. She didn't sure in hell act like one. And I also think...she was ashamed of me. I got over the thought of dating Joanna...but her being ashamed of me...I couldn't let that go. I still can feel it. I think I hate her for it. She still wants me back. But no...I can't take her anymore. I never thought Joanna could really scar me that bad. I'm usually not fazed by things or people this much before. The moment I actually opened my heart for someone near by...It literally kills me...That's the main reason why I don't really trust people anymore. I want to trust again...but everytime I try for someone new and different. It doesn't work. I get judged first...I should be judged after knowing me. There i don't really give a flying fuck.

Damn...there I go again. Depression.

How odd...I just got off the phone with Alex and he wants me to talk about happy and giggity and rainbows....Perfect timing since I want to talk about my Depression. And you know what...I have my music on random. And You know what song it is...Rocky Horror Picture Show, "I'm Going Home." A very depressing song which fits for funerals. So...I'm just gonna do Alex a favor. Give you all an intermission of cuteness and puking rainbows.

Here:
[link]

(A literal minute of intermission)
Hope you all enjoy that intermission. I sure did. Now back onto my rant...And oddly enough my third page of ranting.

I hope you guys understand the theme of this rant. The last rant was pain and suffering. This rant is something different. The spanish beginning of the theme is, "¿'Donde estas un biblioteca?" Anyone who was trying to learn basic spanish will know what that means. Where is the library? Now here's my main concept...Who the fuck, whose learning spanish, wants to find a library filled of spanish-speaking books. I mean quite honestly...why? You don't know how to say Thank you yet...you want to read a spanish book of how to spank your children without the cameras noticing you? Puto Madre...That's another thing. If you been to Mexico within the past ten years. Have you seen a library? I seen Blockbuster...McDonalds...Super Wal-Mart...But a Library? I haven't been to Mexico in years. So I'm asking you all...Have you? I asked this to my cousin and he never thought of this either. We laugh because we know there can't be much libraries in Mexico. Maybe only at the schools. That's another thing that just bothers me...

So I been drawing again. I'm proud of myself. I literally recently brought a new sketchbook and I'm actually doing them correctly. Instead of using my normal pencil right away. I'm using like 2h and HB pencils first. The 2H i use for shapes anatomy. Then for the HB, I use more physical details like connecting the shapes into body. Then I should really use my 2B for facial expression. But I could make a lot of mistakes so I use my regular pencil. I kinda forgot my true purpose here at Deviant Art. Mileena. Due to that woman...I'm getting my most favorited by people and most views due to that crazy sexy woman. So i decided to do another Mileena drawing and see how well i can do. OMFG...it's so crazy how many views I'm getting. I forgot how...crazy Mortal Kombat is. Here I nearly given up hope on it. I guess everyone loves Mileena or the three kombat whores lol. But I am drawing again. Instead of being so dependable to my computer for poses and having the proportions so incorrect. I decided to make a quick concept sketch in my notebook. So if I ever feel the urge to draw...I can bring out my notebook, look around and draw. Its doing so much wonders too...I don't remember being this excited about drawing. For so many years...that urge of drawing had died. That why I had to quit for a year. That really screwed me over with the arthritis.

Yeah I am cursed...I'm used to it. But I'm glad I am. It keeps me connected to the people I need to stay connected. Like Alex for sample. I don't know what would happen to me if I wasn't connected to Alex after all these years. It annoys me really. Thinking that...my connect has expand as large as it has. You bastards at Oakton for example. I may joke and give some of you a hard time...That what she says...lol. But I joke. I'm not used of doing this. But I like hanging out with you bastards. Andrea (Ganas...not the one dating the Jew Prince), Nell, Janice, Sun, Fred, Foxxy, Grace, and all you bastards and bitches of OCC. Yeah...You people online. I can't forget about you guys either. Suz, Crispy, Randa, Mootaz, Zack, and Evan...I just wish you guys the best in the future...Even if I'm not around or not. Yeah I have a problem or two with everyone I know of. But that's just me. I have problems. But there's a reason why I act the way I am. I can't let anyone know exactly why.

There's some people at Oakton I had or still magically, have crushes on. God that's the thing that bothers me the most. I like this particular person. But I know better. I'm not stupid...She would never like me. Even if I'm the nicest person, treat her nice, and be like the next prince charming. What is exactly wrong with me. And people would think...You never know this. Well, I took a test. I pretend to like this one girl and got her friend finding out that I liked the girl. And the results came exactly as I expected. If anything I can repeat the test again. I know what I'm doing. Fuck I'm a fucking genius. Yet...why am I easily stumped? Love is blind...so I manage to see the truth. The problem is...I know who I like now. I liked her for a few years now. Every now and then...I wouldn't like her. Then some days. It would be like...God here she comes...She looks so cute today. Why is she glowing? I know her very well. I try to make her happy when she is in a shitty mood. There are times I don't know why I go through the length like I do. And that's the fucking problem. I would do this with any other girl that caught my attention. I would drive to no land for a chick if she influence me enough. I can be so obedient that...it literally fucks me up and kill me inside. And I hate it...It doesn't happen that much anymore...Nor will it. My mind is so...crazy and confuse. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know who I'm talking about anymore.

I used to know my capabilities and my limits. But now I don't know. I used to say...I'm right. I'm always right. Even when I'm wrong, I am right. Now. I don't know anymore. Mentally I'm going blind and going wary. Alex wants me to move with him to Arizona. I would love to go. But there are times I can't see it really happening. I'm not a person who think about myself. I never am. But then again...for his sake. I can imagine being in Arizona all a sudden with him. I just don't know anymore. I would like to leave...but then again. I can't see myself getting myself to leave. Him and Sticks are all ready in the mind state to leave. But I can't see it. I can't imagine it. I can't imagine coming to the conclusion of leaving. God when Alex told me he wanted to move...that gave me so much stress. The same thing happen to Tiffany. It came at the worst possible time. Stress and hard difficult timing. Then he got the okay that we can go and live with him in Arizona. I would like to go...but I know I won't get that much money. God I can't believe right now, my mind is shifting from one to another decision. I can't make my decision right now. I don't know when I will get my decision.

I came to a realization. This is a pretty quick journal. It usually take me over 24 hours to make a journal. Especially this one that is four pages long.

So Yeah...I hope you guys understand this rant. You could be on the track of your life...But it's no use if you're running with your eyes close. I maybe blind...But I have seen so many things in my short life. I seen...I been through it...and I have cured it. The only disease left is...me. I haven't fully cured my path to knowledge yet. But I can sure in hell help you all bitches. Or I already have...

You take my advice. I'll be the guy who doesn't listen. Simple as that. By the way...its 9:36 pm. Who would've thought I be working this hard within the next few hours. Either way...I have a drawing calling me.