(Note: This note is not for you. Its for a specific person only. I will move this journal out of the way within' a week and pretend it never exist to everyone else in the world except for one person. So please, no one reads this. That why its only meant for Angel's Eyes Only...And that involves you too...)

...I haven't done this in a while. Once yes a journal, but this is a specific person, a specific feeling. I promise myself I shouldn't mention this person again. But as usual, i can't keep a promise.

It's just so annoying how after so many years. Something about myself, my thoughts can't seem to leave. Even after pushing myself to the end of my limit and beyond.

Calling out Angel...

I honestly don't know you anymore. Yet when I hear your name, or think of you, it makes me weak. Not just like, physically weak. I get a little weak in my knees when I think of you. I don't know how to explain it. After so many years between us, I'm stupid to think I can get away from it. But the problem of me doing that, i just made a bridge I forgot how to cross again.

I still mention your name once in a while. Maybe as the one that got away, as a friend and as someone very special to me. I have dealt the damage and I literally put myself in the shit hole. That why I gave up. I just couldn't bare the things we do to each other. Especially how I been treating you. Avoiding you, everytime we talked to each other I somehow made you sad or cry. Everytime we wanted to meet, something always happen. Even thou all of this, I manage to have strength to pray for you, your safety, your healthy, and your happiness. And recently when we did talk, it seems nothing is working for either of us. I just don't know why.

I'm surprise you said you still read my journals. Apparently more people read my journal than I thought. I can't express myself anymore. Everything that I have bottled up, I was able to let them out in bursts here at this site. Now...This is a horrible decision. I'm glad people read this, but I'm not glad that I'm not safe from people.

You said I was stronger than this. I just don't have that pick me up attitude like I used to have. All I did is that little drive to pick myself up again. I just have very little options for that to happen. I just wish I never tried to avoid you like I did. I was being selfish and that why I deserve what I gotten. This surely has been a horrible year for me, I nearly died, i lost a lot of money, my relationship with my friends barely the same, my relationship with my family has lessen, and I got to expect like nothing is wrong.

I know you sure have it worst than me. I don't even know why I'm making this journal dedicated to you, and only you. I just want things what they used to be. I want my best friend back. I know its stupid and selfish to want things back what they used to be. Even thou you, especially have grown up in a such a tough situation all in your life, want to go back to such a forbidden place. There I go again, talking like I know you. What is wrong with me? Why do I hate myself so much.

I been wanting to tell you this for days, weeks, months now. I just lost a lot of courage and hope in myself. I just miss the days where hearing hi from you became the highlight of my day. Life just isn't the same anymore. But I don't want any of it if I end up hurting you throughout the process. That has been my original though for many years now. And its stupid of me to believe that. I'm sorry. Do I except you to forgive me? I don't want or deserve pity. I don't want you to try just for my sake. Because if you can't see it happening, then there shouldn't be a reason for it to happen. If anything...I just want to be able to say I miss my best friend. And that I'm truly sorry.